woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
