I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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