have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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