I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
