he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
