dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
