the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My ATM looks so different sober.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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