everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
