Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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