Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You ruined the universe
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
