I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
