Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
