She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
