There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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