Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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