Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
