So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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