he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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