you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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