Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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