did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
