Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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