I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
