I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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