Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
