why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
