but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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