My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
