Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
