I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
