I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
