Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
that's an acceptable place to lick
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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