It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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