it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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