Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
