im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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