Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
