My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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