Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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