Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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