My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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