I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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