he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We need to get me chipped asap
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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