Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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