i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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