I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
