Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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