Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
