I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
