My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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