I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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