Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
