Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
