my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
