Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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