The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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