you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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