my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
