I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
