was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
