how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
